me myself i am

its so undeniable

2012-01-31T17:13:00.000-08:00

"i have died everyday waiting for you"
yes i did.
and now youre asking me to wait for you
i know it makes me looked pathetic but i dont know why, i agreed.
yes i do love you.
love you enough to wait. ive waited for few years, why not few years more? i know.
i can feel it too.

how youve changed overtime. the first time we "met" each other was when i was, 17? we have changed overtime. we have learned a lot from our past memories.
youre a man with a career now and im still a woman fighting for my future. we still have time.
my point is that...loving you doesnt mean i have to own you, at least not now..."nanti one day" as you said.

im happy enough knowing that i can put my hope a little bit higher now. you know i love you. its been "said."
the way you treat me now, love it. how you randomly text me at times i least expecting you to and how you sent me random images tells me youre giving me hints that you know i love you.
yes i "said" it again.

it feels weird, awkward. is this the love ive been waiting for all this while? i dont know.it might be because it feels different. i have never gave up on you, even if i tried to, i always failed. the funny thing is that everytime you hurt me in whatever way, mostly its unintended tho, i can always forgive you. every time i made a promise not to talk to you again to myself, i always ended up breaking the promise. funny yeah? youre so irresistable.

this feeling is so unexplainable.

been loving you for few years, and i never get bored.

you open up a lil bit more, i know you more, i understand a part of you a lil bit more, and so...i love you even more!

well my point is, i know you asked me to wait, but i wont push you either. if someday you found someone better than me, i doubt you wont, i'll be...yeah. i cant say it. youre so perfect...as compared to my imperfectness, im afraid im not good enough for you. but i'll try my best to be one.

after re-reading this post, i feel like a girl who's playing easy. too easy to get that i feel ashamed. but my point in posting this here is because i have no one to talk to here. ive been so lonely these past few months. i can only post things here, on my diary and to my mirrror, as well as to myself. cant wait to go home, and meet my bet friends, who understand me more than i do. who see me more like a sister than a friend. who care for me more than they care of themselves. they're just irreplaceable. <3<3<3

thats it. goodnight all.

sincerely,
a heart full of love, but cant spread it yet.

Its cool we're just friends

2011-12-26T16:44:00.001-08:00

This is random but after today's conversation.. im sure you know how i feel. Yeap. I love you.

Aku pun nda tau cna buleh tani smpai ke topic atu, tp u made me confess, well indirectly but im sure u get it well. I was ashamed but proud at the same time...

You answered the question...and im satisfied now... Its just i dont know how you feel about me... :( thats unfair...but its alrite... Men have ego dont they? And we women, the game is all about waiting...in my shoes thats how i see it, at least.

From our lil conversation, this is how i interpret it... We will be together, insyaAllahh..but not now... Maybe one day. So ur point is, u like me too. :) correct me if im wrong, please....

Ohh! I gtg.. youre txting me on whatsapp now. :)

Is this love?

2011-12-23T15:52:00.001-08:00

Its been 3years and 4months... Youre the loyal one, the only one who knows how to comfort me...youre not always by my side, but your existence never failed to make md happy. :)

Do you remember the first time we texted thru msn?

August 2008.
It was Ramadhan.
I stayed up after sahur until its time to get to class because i was texting with you. Youre so funny...i started to like you at that very moment.

it was a long story, let you and me alone know how it went, although i doubt you remember our story. But now, its 2011... we've grown up. Youre a man with career now....This feeling is so strange...theres something bout you..that i cant explain. The way you texted me now.... I want you more and more. Your random texts have made me gone crazy, crazy over you.

Is it because im so far from my home country? Is it pity that your heart feels towards me? If it is, please stop, it hurts. Although we are best friend now....best friend. Yes thats what we are now... But, didnt they say no man and woman can be friends without one of them having crush on the other?

You know i like you. You know i like you more than as a friend....you know it well, but you acted like you dont..well, its okay...i can always keep this feeling. I love us. I dont want us to end just because of my immature feelings. We have a lot more to do, if its our fate to be together, insyaAllah... We will be together, someday in the future... Theres no rush.... :)

With love, your best friend.

emo december

2011-12-05T15:58:00.000-08:00

assalamualaikum.... its exactly 12am here in lancaster.. time sure flies so fast..its now december, and its freaking cold. december is usually my favourite month, best of the best, but this year, im not so sure.... without my girlfriends around, i dunno what to do, i dunno where to go, i just dunno.... i miss home. a lot. i wanna go to london, but the tickets are damn expensive already....i cant barely afford to buy one... sad life yeah? hehehe. study? ive got 3 essays to be submitted by next monday..haha less than a week to go and i havent even started a thing! farah...please,, this is uni life... :( im disappointed in myself too sometimes....hmphh. love? yes im still single. i dunno who to hope on. no one special for now...theres this one guy whom i like since 2008, but....entah....i think its better if i keep this friendship. im tired of loving my own bestfriend. jara ku udah. sakitnya hantap nyamuuuu. lagipun, aku sadar aku siapa...hahaha whatever... anyway anyhow...its funny now that ive been single for almost three years, not that im still stuck with my last bf, no..at least i believe so. hes happy with his life now, and thats enough for me. cheeeeeehh. alum ada jodoh.... :) lupa udah ku cana rasa becinta ani. hahaha. sodahlah, belajar dulu.... insyaAllah.. :) banyak sebenarnya kan ku ckap lagi, tapi...entah ahh... setat2 ku sampai di uk ani, i realised ive been keeping quite a lot of things inside, the thing is, i dunno who to talk to... i need that one person, at least... who would listen, and comprehend. no i dont need advise, i dont need a shoulder to lean on.. i just need a listener,, just like my girlfriends,, ahh....theyre soooo irreplaceable......love them much... :') whatever happened in one day, aku rasa mcm kan call rumah sja balik atu, kan bagitau mama n babah what happened, like i always do back in brunei....i wanna tell how aku stress belajar disini, especially when it comes to groupwork, aku inda biasa inda decide....i cant communicate properly, why??? lidaaaah, lancarlah engkau berkata2..... having english as my second language is actually the biggest pain i have nowadays, in terms of studying.....i have a lot to contribute in class, i have questions, i wanted to say it all out louds, tapi,,, payah kan keluar english atu... :( so in the end, aku diam sajaaaa.... sad life huh? :( bye2 for now, wish me lucks in my essays and tests in january....

Mfs

2011-11-29T11:51:00.001-08:00

What i really wanted to say was I MISS YOU.

New handphone :D

2011-11-28T13:54:00.001-08:00

Assalamualaikum...

Ladies and gentlemen, i just bought a new handphone last saturday! Hehehe alhamdulillah.. tercapai jua hajat.. but its not really latest handphone i think, its htc rhymes. :D but better than using other's handphone yeah?? All this while im using my bro's hp, so yeahh... Anyway i hope this hp will bring a lil happiness to my life.hahaha it makes my life a lot easier too actually. :D i can now call my family via viber, i can even havoe access to my lancaster account anytime anywhere...

Will call home again on wed, i want mom. :D

bad grammar

2011-11-20T13:28:00.000-08:00

as i re-read my post just now, i just realized there are tonnes of grammatical error. o.o' im too lazy to change, so be it..as long as i know what im writing about.

another wasted weekend

2011-11-20T12:38:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum... its been few days, time passed, time flies, time left me alone. so does my heart and my soul. im feeling lonely lately...pms syndrome is attacking me, the only thing is that, im not even in my period. emo saja ku lately...i dunno why.my economics test last friday sucks. i did some stupid mistakes. lets just wait and see for the results. i hate myself for being stupid in such a very important test. i should have been more aware that if i score well in this exam, i cud be one step closer to being exempted from the 3hours exam by the end of the summer term. i was so quiet the whole night... im sorry my housemates for making you guys worried. i love you guys. <3 but that night i went on skype with abg epul...i feel a lot more better. i cried before i went online..and tell him how stupid the question paper was. im sorry i didnt mean to lie. but if i tell the truth how i made some stupid mistakes in the paper, i'll upset you, and of course myself. i might as well cry in front of you. no. i dont wanna hurt you. im sorry again. and thanks a lot for comforting me...we talk a lot that night. i finally tell someone how much my homesickness is...you are my home here, bang.. :D and lastly for that night, i finally slept well.....without touching any of my schollwork-related things. saturday??lifeless! watched 4 movies in a day?! streaming online pulang saja, with Erna at my place. we watched cuti cuti cinta.. 'kesabaran amat diperlukan disini,' rasuk.. 'watashi takkan lepaskan melati sampai bila2,' sekali lagi.. 'amy jgn nangis lagi ye, ayah ada kat sini, mama pun ada kat sini..mak, arman bolehkan jadi ayah amy?mak boleh ikut main, mak boleh jadi nenek' and a thai movie: a little thing called love 'i have.......... not married yet because im waiting for you' it was later that night i started to clear things on my table. i wrapped the table and books with transparent book wrapper, file in everything, printed off all notes, and have quite a good sleep. sunday?? today that is. i went to carboots at morecambe and i spent 12pounds. bought a lil purse for coins, leather hand glove,headset, one wintercoat, a set of chinese bowls,a pair of earring, Cheddar, and uno game. some are useless things, but i just bought them. whats happening to me? :'( ohh today's my housemate's birthday.. Natasya! happy birthday tasya!!! :D

curhat sikiiit

2011-11-15T17:07:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum.. its 1.09am now in Lancaster...it feels so weird. i am feeling so awkward. with time, with my surrounding, with myself. i am not me. i dont know me. but this is it. here i am, i am me, dealing with myself. too much thinking, too much daydreaming, too much procrastinating, too much of everything, i think i need a little break. everything is happening so fast. believe it or not, its week 6 in my uni life, and in few days time, im having my first economics test, in which of course, i am not ready to face. lately, ive been lost. been frustrated with myself. how i behave, how i act, how im feeling, what im doing, everything seems contradictory with myself. i cant really concentrate on a thing. things are going round in my head like birds flying up high in the sky *yeah whatever*. im feeling sick. its so cold here i can hardly breathe. running nose, i can hardly listen, its like something is stuck in my ear, tried to google whats the matter, and found some stupid health fact, i dont wanna know. moods been swaying since forever. cant focus in class, esp in economics class. the lecture is like a lullaby making me so sleepy. i feel its not worth it to come to a one hour class just to sleep. im just so frustrated with myself. very frustrated. i tried to do my best, but time never allows me to. im so sad. im so frustrated. at times, i really wanna go home. relive my a level years, be by mama's side forever. never worried about missing the bus, spending, foods to eat, and health. now.. me by my side, alone, in this lonely small and lonely room, thinking about all the things ive done since i arrived here, the place that ive been wanted to live in... i remember once in a while, when i was frustrated with mom, i really wanna run away. promised myself im studying hard to go out of the house and go to uk...life wud be much easier. now that im in this situation, mom im sorry, i take my words back, i want you...now. :'( studying is a bit problematic here. i dont like their slang, and with english as my second language, i find it a lil difficult to communicate with them. back in brunei, im the best among the bests. here in uk, im just...i dunno. im just frustrated. frustrated much. my heart breaks when i betray myself. i'll be sitting for my first economics test this friday afternoon at 5pm. i have to read the textbooks and the lecture slides again, cause in calss, i fell asleep. not my fault. the lecturer should be more creative! if i didnt fall asleep in marketing, why did i fell asleep in economics?? i hurts me. i feel terrible for myself. i just wish myself thousands of lucks for this upcoming test. i feel better now as i write here. this is not really a good way of releasing stress, i know. and im being unfair to myself...ive been talking about the bad things that im feeling, i didnt even look at a brighter side, i didnt even asked myself when good have i achieved here??? yes i managed to live. yes i managed to be a lil better than i used to be. i can cook now. :) i appreciate my money more, i washed my clothes, i survived. i am now a secretery for HELWA group. ive written essays of 1000 and 500words, ive travelled to several places, i didnt shopped that much, i pray more constantly, i said i love you to my family several times already, im feeling like a boss in my own room now, i did however do some online shopping. im sorry but i promise you im buying all the necessary things only. for now. :) thats all for now. there are lots of things i wanna say, but i just cant. i dunno why, even all the words that ive written above are non-planned. they just came out of nowhere. i remember saying to myself how much i love to membual in an essay. yes thats me. i love essay. i can do this. economics? i can do it! marketing, and group work? piece of cake!! owt and its lots of readingsss?? i got it on my fingertips, insyaAllah. its my time to try to motivate myself. i have no one to talk to. no one that would really understand me, to the extend that i can feel at home. this is just me, by myself, alone, living, happily and will keep on living and striving successfully in this world of fakeness. "Ya Allah, aku mohon pada Mu, permudahkanlah dan perlancarkanlah semua urusan2 ku dan keluargaku Ya Allah, permudahkanlah dan perlancarkanlah aku untuk mengikuti, menerima, memahami, mengingati dan menghapal semua pembelajaranku, jauhkan lah aku daripada lupa ataupun confuse pada mana2 pelajaranku Ya Allah. jadikanlah aku insan yang berguna, anak yang solehah dan insan ynag berjaya di dunia dan di akhirat. ampunkanlah semua dosa2 keluargaku dan semua dosa2 semua umat Islam dimuka bumi ini Ya Allah, kabulkan lah semua doa2 kami.. Amiiin ya Rabbal Alamiiin."

completely different story

2011-10-08T15:01:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.. :D its been quite a long time since i last updated... well,, IT IS A LONG TIME!! hahaha i last updated a year ago?? seriously??? OMG. :O so anyway, my life had been swaying forwards and backwards since then, just so you guys know, Alhamdulillah, ive achieved what i have always dream about, and what i have always wanted. i always dream to study abroad, and i always wanted to make my parents proud by achieving great results in ALevels. yes. yes. yes. yes i did! I DID!!!!! Alhamdulillah... berkat usaha dan doa semua orang, i made it to Lancaster University, United Kingdom. Lancaster is a quiet city, filled with retired people and lots of foreigners, including myself. :D soem Bruneians called it sheep town here, because obviously, there are tonnes of shees here!! and its smell reach up to the town. hahaha the weather here is also very challenging too, its freaking cold with little rains. i cant really stand the cold that i always have to wear several clothes just to make sure im warm enough to live on. hehehe erm, ithink t gtg now. its 121m here in lancaster, which equals to 17am Brunei time. im not jetlag but yeah, im extremely tired.

years past...things changed...

2010-08-21T05:08:00.000-07:00

assalamualaikum.... happy ramadhan all.. :D its been a while since i last updated yeah? so life's been fluctuating since then... the last time im freaking happy and sad were last thursday.... for one reason...AS level results!!!!! OMG i know right...im an upper sixth student sodaaaahhh.hohoho. sooo,, my results arent so satisfying... but not so frustrating either....: as literature : C accounting : C geography : C business studies : A the good news is i got a for my business... the bad news is that i got C for my geography... ahhhh!!! how i wish i dont have to retake my AS geo no more...but yeah...thats just it...im thankful for what i got...hehehe.. however, whatever it is my results...i still have the chance to make it right and i promise myself i wont waste such once in a life time chance. hoho apaaan aku ah. hehe BY THE WAYYYYYYY......... im back with my blogg...why? pasal masani aku arah rumah nini ku...ada wifi yaww... rumah ku nada..apa jua ganya..haha :P bahhh..thats all im saying have a nice ramadhan and hari raya *just in case i didnt get the chance to greet on time...hehehe..ayte... byeee

wohooo

2009-11-25T23:58:00.000-08:00

assalamualaikum... whaaat?? mana tia posts lama aniii?? hehehehe...ku delete!!!! why??? sanak ku bhaaaa...hehehe... for now..i dont have much to say... just... sorry cause its been a long time since i blogged and sekali aku blog...tarus delete semua old posts..ampunkan alai ahhh?hahahaha and so...its HOLIDAY MONTH!!! ohh i love!! masa2 crucial untuk memutihkan muka dan merehatkn badan.hahaha.taun2 pun atu jua ku buat,,, p insyaAllah...taun ani...akan berbeza sedikit, next year aku upper six udah...i need to study bery2 hard....wish me lucks please?? its been a wonderful honeymoon year this year since im not taking any AS exam....p next year..bah besiap sedia tah kan memanuhkan utak yang damit ani..hahaha. anyways... thats all im saying...and till next time,, enjoy your holiday,,bye,, and assalamualaikum!